![]() So put the kids to bed and settle in for a looooong-ass kid's movie, whose two-hour run-time isn't because it's too complex, but because it takes a fun, high-fashion heist concept and awkwardly marries it to the setup for a 50-year-old dog cartoon, even though everyone nostalgic for One Hundred and One Dalmatians will be dead in ten years. Because Disney is well aware, white women care more about dogs than other human lives! Right? And looming over them all is the Baroness, who's basically Cruella from the original movie, but instead of killing dogs, she kills people. I have everything a girl or boy could ever want.ĭisney does know liking fashion isn't the same thing as being queer, right?. And then there's Artie, Disney's third or fourth "first live-action gay character" (shows Artie alongside a grieving gay man in Avengers: Endgame, two female Resistance members kissing in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, and Lefou in Beauty and the Beast (2017) ), who, after making a big PR push about representation (an Advocate article with the title "Meet the Gay Cruella Star Portraying Disney's First Major LGBTQ+ Role" pops up), takes things right up to the comfort zone of your average Chinese or Russian censor.Īrtie: Look around, Cinderella. (montage of Horace and Jasper's dogs assisting in their heists) Yeah, this is cute and all, but hire Guy Ritchie if all you really wanted to see was a dog-snatch. ![]() Follow this tight-knit crew of thieves, even though their dogs do all of the work for them. (montage of Cruella and the Baroness' outfits throughout the film) FINISH HER! (a swarm of locusts attacks the guests at the Baroness' party) CRUELALITY.Īlong for the ride are Horace and Jasper, more than just two hired henchmen they're her lifelong hench-family. (in a Will Ferrell impression) to Mugatu in his "Derelicte" phase (Cruella hangs onto a dump truck while wearing a dress made from trash), (normally) to Catwoman on laundry day, because this film isn't so much about telling a story as it is an elaborate excuse for two fashionistas to dress-fight each other. well, like it's 1970s London, for a film where the costumes do most of the character work, as Estella grows from a girl in a hat with bangs and glasses - Eww. Journey to 1970s London, where no one is chain-smoking cigarettes like it's. (a champagne cork hits a sommelier in the face) thriller, that's also a prequel. Get ready for a kid's movie that appeals to everyone from adults who love Emma Stone to adults who love Emma Thompson, in the world's first reimagined period satirical coming-of-age revenge heist comedy drama. (sound of footsteps walking away) Wait, where are you going? Come on! Dalmatian incest isn't weird! How do you think we got Dalmatians in the first place?! (fading) D-Don't you want to know the story of her last name?! Spoilers: it's a car! Hello?! Come baaack! Yep the dog parents were brother and sister, and Cruella helped them hook up. Sound stupid? It's actually her real mom that ordered the dogs to kill! Now who's stupid?! Because Cruella isn't just a misunderstood villain she's actually the reason One Hundred and One Dalmatians exists in the first place. Don't look at that dress look at this dress! Nyeh! And why is she that way? Because Dalmatians killed her mom. She's a fashion designer with an extra dash of 'tude. That's right her name is slightly different than what you expected. You know, the dog murderer! From that old cartoon? With the hair? You know? The lady with the hair? Oh man, they're really out of ideas, aren't they? But now, before we get the quasi-redemptive villain origin stories for Gru, the Wicked Witch of the West (a CinemaBlend article with the title "Looks Like The Wicked Movie Is Back On Track With Some Crazy Rich Asians Talent" pops up), the Targaryens (shows the logo for House of the Dragon ), the bad guy from RoboCop (a article with the title "RoboCop Prequel Series in Development from MGM About Villain Dick Jones" pops up), the orphan from the Orphan movie (a ScreenRant article with the title "Orphan: First Kill Will Be a Brutal & Extremely Violent Prequel, Says Director" pops up), and Madea (a TV Line article with the title "Madea Prequel Series Mabel in the Works at Showtime, From Tyler Perry" pops up), make room in your wallet for one more vill-quel, 'cause here comes.Ĭruella. Since 1999, we've had quasi-redemptive villain origin stories for Darth Vader, the Joker, Maleficent, the Wizard of Oz, Hannibal Lecter, Nurse Ratched, Norman Bates, Magneto, Saul Goodman, Godzilla, the apes from Planet of the Apes, Venom, and the Minions.
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